Sunday, March 04, 2012

The world just got a little lazier and a lot dumber

Okay, lazy people of America. I get that you hate walking. You hate it so much you will spend hours circling the mall parking lot following shoppers and cutting off other would-be parkers in an attempt to secure a spot right by the door, rather than just park in the back and walk.

I don’t hate you for this. I pity you for all the wasted time and gas. I also enjoy toying with your emotions by repeatedly going to my car, spending an annoyingly long time getting situated to leave while you excitedly wait with your little blinker clicking away, and then just get out of the car and go back into the mall leaving you saddened and confused.

Here’s where I take issue though. Our gym parking lot is not gigantic. If you park in the very furthest spot from the front door, you will, at most, walk about 125 yards. 125 yards between you and the place where people go to exercise. And yet, today as I walked back to my car feeling strong and good about myself for not punching anyone, even that guy with the douchy USC hat, a brown sedan began slowly trailing me.

At first I thought I was being paranoid. Perhaps the woman inside was merely admiring my backside. It is lovely after all. Or maybe she was lost. But as I reached my car, I heard the distinct sound of the blinker click on. I scanned the parking lot hoping it was just completely filled and this poor woman had no other options. Nope. Plenty of parking in the back.

I contemplated just returning to the gym and denying this woman my parking spot. It would actually be helping her out. I mean this fear of walking has got to be crippling. But, alas, I had things to do and places to be. If I let my disdain for people dictate my schedule I’d never get anything accomplished.

So, I gave her my parking spot and lingered a bit to watch this seemingly fit woman saunter the few yards into the gym, where I have no doubt she then hopped on a treadmill and took a walk.

I weep for you, America. I really, really do.

Dr. Em 


  1. There's a religion whose spiritual practice is zoning in on parking spaces. Practitioners show their faith by putting their car in the preferred area and God shows his favor by making a spot available. It's devastating when they're fooled by shoppers depositing bags in the trunk only to go back to the mall. The devil at work. It's sad when the unenlightened misunderstand their righteous quest. You, Dr. Em, were part of God's plan.

  2. I'm totally on the same page with Christine...I choose to believe you are not being sarcastic. Em, to just assume everyone is lazy is so insensitive! You of all people should recognize the growing phobia of parking lots and garages. And what about those with ochophobia, dromophobia or amaxophobia? What if that lady was one of your patients? Would you tell her she was lazy for not wanting to walk through the entire parking lot. For shame, Em for shame.


    1. Have you been getting into my phobia books again? You know how they get you all riled up! And yes, shaming patients is my specialty. it cures them faster... or pushes the to seek help elsewhere. Either way, I'm good.

      Dr. Em