The Girls Insist You Get an Update!

I keep telling Dr. Em and Princess WeeWee to S-L-O-W down; they can’t do everything but they continue to add more projects to their load! I have insisted they not feel guilty about neglecting you all and can only assuage them by giving you all an update on their current going ons.

L.A. Vs. Minnesota Round 2

Here a few more of the differences you’ll find between L.A. and Minnesota…

A typical restaurant encounter

L.A.: Upon entering the restaurant
Hostess: …..
Patron: Um, table for two please.
Hostess: (large sigh) Do you have a reservation?
Patron: This is Chili’s. Do you even take reservations?
Hostess: UGH! Fine. It will be an hour wait.
Patron: Can we just go sit in the bar?
Hostess: Uhhhhhhh… Let me go ask my manager.
MN: Upon entering the restaurant
Hostess: Welcome, welcome! Oh my golly, we are so happy to have you here!
Patron: Table for two please
Hostess: Oh yeah, you betcha! Let me just check here… Oh no! It looks like there will be a little bit of a wait. Oh, I’m so terribly sorry! And here you are looking so super cute in your date top…
Patron: It’s fine. Can we wait in the bar?
Hostess: Oh yeah! Yeah, of course you can! You have the most super time, now, Okay!

L.A. Vs Minnesota

Many of you may know that I grew up in Minnesota, where much of my family, including Princess WeeWee, still live. It is a land of four million people with silly accents, twelve parkas each and a strange hankering for anything covered in cheese. But, I now reside in Los Angeles County, a land of 9.8 million overly tanned surfers and actors who only eat organic cheese if any at all. Seriously night and day. So today, I thought I’d share a little about the differences between my two favorite places.
 

The Quest

I'm so sorry I haven't been around, dear readers! Summer truly brings out the crazies, so as you can imagine, I have been extra busy. I have also been on a quest to find Malibu's most exclusive shopping excursion - the underwater Target.

I know what you're thinking... "Dr. Em, that's not real. Your stupid  iPhone is playing tricks on you." But that's what they want you to think! I'm so getting a submarine this weekend.

Dr. Em

Common Sense... it's a thing.

So, my husband and I were driving to Hollywood the other day when we saw a white Toyota fly by in the carpool lane, going about 85. A clearly marked Highway Patrol car zipped in behind him and flipped on his siren. I’m not gonna lie, a little part of me was rooting for a high-speed chase. They’re so much fun. But what followed, was just bizarre.

The terrible tale of the only place on Earth almost as bad as North Dakota... almost

This is the tale of how Walmart was added to my “seek and destroy” list.

Now before you Southerners get all defensive, I’m not talking about your Walmarts. For the most part, any Walmart south of the Mason Dixon line and east of the Mississippi is bright, open and pretty awesome. I mean, yes, people really do dress like in the “People of Walmart,” but that’s not Walmart’s fault, that’s just Arkansas (the birthplace of Walmart).

Now, the rest of the country is Target territory. This is not to say that we don’t have Walmarts, it just means that for some reason when forced into competition with Target, Walmart suddenly turns into a crazy, mentally challenged  hoarder. The shelves and aisle ways are so over packed that not only are the simplest of things difficult to find, but items constantly spill all over the floor and no one ever picks them up. The pet section is filled with dead fish, there is no rhyme or reason to the layout and it literally smells of failure and sad. I don’t know how to describe it better than that. Go in and take a whiff. You’ll find yourself thinking, “Huh… that does smell like failure and sad.”

My head hurts too much to come up with a witty title...

I would like to thank you idiots of the world for this splitting headache you have cursed me with. Yeah, I’m speaking directly to you guy who felt the bike lane was an appropriate path to attempt to bypass traffic in your jimmy-rigged pick up truck. Let’s forget for a moment how dangerous and overtly selfish it was, and instead focus on the real issue – How much faster did it actually make your commute? You got two car lengths ahead and then found yourself stuck behind a parked car where you sat, cursing the two guys you’d just passed for not letting you back in line. Bravo, genius.

A post card from the road...

Home Sweet Home

So I just finished my conference and am back in Los Angeles. I have never missed my city quite so much before. L.A. gets a bad rap sometimes – the traffic, the smog, the overcrowding, but a week in the mountains can really put things in perspective.

Yes, in L.A. it does take an hour to go 10 miles, but let me tell you what you’re getting in that hour and 10 miles – 7 gas stations, 12 Starbucks, countless people-watching opportunities, KROQ, the thrill of a near-death experience as idiots try to “beat” the traffic, and the to chance unleash all your frustrations from the day by screaming profanities at all those around you without consequence.